1.  Uvalde Cops Went Rogue After 911 Call About Dying Teacher

 FAILURE UPON FAILURE 

The officer in charge, Pete Arredondo, turned up with no police radio and decided within minutes that it was not an active shooter situation, according to The New York Times.

U.S. NEWS

2.  Retired Cop Busted Near Capitol With High-Capacity Magazines

  ALARMING 

The man allegedly gave police a fake badge that said “Department of the INTERPOL” on it.

U.S. NEWS

This Brightening Kit Replaced My Monthly Facial Appointments

  BRIGHTEN UP 

Tula’s two-piece brightening kit combats dullness, acne scars, enlarged pores, sagging skin, and fine lines without having to go to the derm.

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3.  DeSantis Vetoes $35M for Tampa Team After Gun-Control Tweets

 LOW BLOW 

“Corporations do not have the right to get corporate welfare, turn around and ‘donate’ taxpayer dollars to communist progressive causes,” DeSantis’ spokesperson said.

POLITICS

4.  Gohmert: It’s Unfair Republicans ‘Can’t Even Lie’ to FBI

 ADMITTED 

Yes, the MAGA lawmaker actually said that with a straight face on Friday.

MEDIA

I’m Addicted to This Calorie-Burning Sauna Blanket

 GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY 

HigherDOSE’s infrared sauna blanket helps detox the body and gives you a natural post-workout high without having to even move your body.

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5.  Housekeeper Who Died at Murdaugh’s Home Will Be Exhumed

 FROM THE GRAVE 

It’s just the last twist in the sensational unraveling of powerful South Carolina attorney Alex Murdaugh.

U.S. NEWS

6.  Trump-Trashed Kellyanne Book Sells 25K Copies in First Week

 TEA TIME 

Despite getting slammed by her former boss on Truth Social, more than 25,000 copies of “Here’s The Deal” have already been sold.

MEDIA

7.  GOP Sen: We’re ‘Peddling Crack’ of Grievances to Geriatrics

 DON’T BUY IT 

“We can either continue to drift as a party that exists increasingly as a vehicle for the grievances of the angriest, oldest folk or we can be a future-focused party,” he said.

POLITICS

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8.  Cops Kill 13-Year-Old They Say Hit Patrol Car While Fleeing

 TOO YOUNG 

San Antonio police said the child was shot once in the stomach and died at a local hospital.

U.S. NEWS

9.  Driver Killed and Two Reuters Journalists Wounded in Ukraine

  WAR CASUALTIES 

The journalists and driver were on their way to Severodonetsk when they came under fire.

WORLD

10.  Biden Burns Elon: ‘Lots of Luck on His Trip to the Moon’

 TROLLING 

Touting Friday’s strong jobs report, the president fired back at Musk’s demand that Tesla cut 10 percent of its workforce over the billionaire’s pessimism about the economy.

POLITICS

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11.  Hall of Famer Calls Breakout Yankee ‘Nestor the Molester’

 NASTY 

“Jim meant no ill will,” a Twins exec told the AP, adding that the team has spoken with the famed broadcaster about his comment.

ENTERTAINMENT

12.  Tahoe’s Famous Burned Bear Cub Spotted Playing With Toy Bear

 UNBEARABLY CUTE 

Images of the bear cub’s scorched paws went viral after he was rescued from wildfires in 2021—before he made a break for it while still in his bandages.

U.S. NEWS

13.  Spanish Court Demands Pompeo Testify on Alleged Assange Plot

 EXPLIQUE, POR FAVOR 

The judge of the National High Court issued a summons for Trump’s former secretary of state, according to Spanish media.

POLITICS

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